Some Days Are Harder Than Others

Today was one of those hard days. It started at 6:30am (I was awake earlier when Kelan crawled into bed with me and Dan, but since my husband gets up before me - and is a saint - he took Kelan with him when he got up). I drift back to sleep. Lauren wakes up which wakes me up. Dan goes upstairs to get her and brings her to me in bed - it is almost time for him to leave. Kelan gets in bed too. Dan heads off to work. My day has begun and I am not even out of bed, much less, my eyes are not even open.

We head to the kitchen for Lauren's milk (and my milk - uh, coffee). Within (what felt like) seconds, Lauren has climbed up on a stool and tipped over my coffee (it was luke warm at best - she is fine). Lauren is soaked. The counter and floor are covered with coffee. Coffee that would have been better in me than on her. Kelan is whining that he is hungry. They both start to cry. It has been 15 minutes since I got out of bed. This is NOT a good start. I am tired and cranky. I have a sinus infection. I am PMSing. I have not had my coffee. I lose it. I banished the kids from the kitchen and tell them that Mommy is in a time out. They cry harder. It takes me about 10 minutes to clean up all the coffee and get Lauren's milk. All the while Kelan and Lauren are crying - loudly - at the kitchen gate. I run the many coffee saturated towels downstairs to the washing machine and start a load of laundry, and then I hear Kelan yelling that Lauren is throwing papers. Huh? Mommy, Lauren is throwing papers! Shit, the only papers I know of are on the dinning room table. Which means - shit - she's on top of the dinning room table. I race upstairs. Kelan is right. Lauren is throwing papers off the dinning room table. She sees me and makes a run for it down to the other end (this is her new favorite activity - running around on the table). I cannot take it anymore and rather than being a crazy lunatic posing as a mom, I decide that Sesame Street may be better for my children than me. I have failed them so early in the morning.

This afternoon was not much better. I was already in a frazzled (and fragile) state after - what felt like - a long morning working in Kelan's Co Op preschool (it was field trip day). I also had to force Lauren to take her nap since she fell asleep in her playgroup this morning (I do NOT fault her playgroup sitters....they are amazing. Lauren is just having some difficulty with daylight savings. Damn that stupid time change!). After nap time, I asked Kelan to go potty. I was in the kitchen when he came running out saying he used all of the toilet paper. Is it on the floor? Yes he says. I have this vision that an entire roll is unraveled all over the floor. This is what my children do when left to their own devices in the bathroom. Damn it! I angrily scold Kelan for wasting toliet paper and tell him he is NOT supposed to do this. He looks at me with a confused/hurt look on his face and we walk into the bathroom. I see an empty roll, but there is not the expected pile of tissue on the floor, just some end scraps (which was what he was talking about when I asked if it was on the floor). I completely deflate and realize that Kelan came to tell me he used the last of the toilet paper. I have failed again. I burst into tears. Kelan sees me crying and then starts to cry too. I profusely apologize for getting mad at him. I explain that Mommy is the one in trouble - not him. I tell him I thought he wasted a bunch of toilet paper. I praise him for coming to tell me that we need to replace the roll. I am still weeping. I hold him tight.

Each night when I sing to Kelan just before he goes to bed I tell him he is a good kid. That I am happy. That I love him. Sadly, I know I will have more days like this. But my promise to my kids is that I will try to do better, and that we will always end each day with positive and loving goodnight moments.